I like enjoying poker. Let me rephrase that: I like enjoying pretend poker, in videogames, so I am all the time looking out for a brand new pretend poker recreation. The difficult bit, possibly the not possible bit, is that I need to discover a pretend poker recreation that feels actual.
I do not like enjoying actual poker as a result of it means risking precise cash, which I do not like, and spending time with poker gamers, which I additionally do not like (the sound of chips continuously being shuffled by fidgety gamers is insufferable).
However the issue with enjoying pretend poker, even when it is with actual individuals on-line, is that it is laborious to seize the stress of actual poker when the cash is pretend and anybody can simply go all-in on a regular basis with zero penalties. It is like enjoying Counter-Strike however as a substitute of somebody killing you after they shoot you, actually nothing occurs.
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The Bazaar could possibly be the way forward for autobattlers, if it stops strangling itself to loss of life with its personal microtransactions
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Path of Exile 2 numberlord spends 16 straight days killing uncommon monsters to show {that a} stat that makes loot higher makes higher loot
So here is my answer: I play within the lowest stakes poker tournaments the poker recreation has. All the opposite gamers in a low-stakes recreation in a free-to-play poker app have in all probability misplaced virtually all their pretend cash and try to keep away from having to purchase extra pretend cash with actual cash.
Let it experience
Being on the verge of faux chapter provides pretend poker extra of an actual feeling. It is bizarre, but it surely’s far more thrilling to wager $2,000 on a hand of poker than $2,000,000 as a result of I can think about the sensation of risking two grand. I am unable to think about risking two million as a result of I am unable to think about having two million to danger.
However here is my subsequent downside: within the free poker recreation I have been enjoying on Steam Deck this week, Texas Maintain’em Poker: Pokerist, I am discovering it actually, actually laborious to be broke sufficient to have enjoyable. (I am additionally discovering the phrase “Pokerist” type of humorous. Is that an anthropologist, however after they dig up a skeleton they are saying issues like “10,000 years in the past this primitive man flopped the nut straight.”)
Pokerist does two issues continuously: blankets the display screen with pop-ups suggesting I spend $2.99 on 1000’s of chips, and provides me 1000’s of chips without cost anyway. There are “quests” that offer you tons of chips, however they’re really easy to finish, like “place a wager” or “win chips in any recreation.” Pokerist additionally awards you card packs for taking part in, and gathering sufficient playing cards provides you extra chips.
The sport even rewards you for simply displaying up: log in two days in a row and it throws like 30 grand at you.
So just about each time I even open the app I wind up with a number of further hundred thousand pretend {dollars}, however I do not need to play poker with that a lot pretend cash or it will simply really feel tremendous pretend. My answer was to attempt shedding all that unearned cash earlier than I performed poker.
Why do I’ve such unhealthy luck at having unhealthy luck?
There are tons of various on line casino video games in Pokerist: a number of sorts of poker, blackjack, slots, keno, roulette, baccarat, craps, and even sports activities betting. Sure, you should purchase pretend cash with actual cash and wager on actual sporting occasions to win pretend cash. That appears loopy and may possibly be unlawful or one thing? On the plus facet, there are such a lot of methods to lose cash in Pokerist I figured I might be again to enjoying lowest-stakes poker very quickly.
Subsequent downside? I saved successful. I saved successful and successful and successful. It is so annoying.
All-win
I figured a fast strategy to eliminate a number of hundred grand could be to play a slot machine with a $50,000 wager per spin. That cash went quick, proper up till I scored a “Tremendous Win” for $750,000. I burned via that as rapidly as I might, however once I obtained down to just about nothing I received once more on a unique slot machine, this time hitting so many pink 7’s that I received two million {dollars} in a single spin. Two million! I am unable to play poker with that a lot cash! I want Rounders stakes, not On line casino Royale stakes.
I switched slot machines, once more, however this slot had a particular bonus: if you happen to get three wheel icons on three reels, you spin one other rattling wheel for a prize that begins at 1,000,000 and goes up from up from there. On this case, it went as much as $250,000,000. Which I received. Why do I’ve such unhealthy luck at having unhealthy luck?
I do know this needs to be enjoyable: regardless that it is pretend cash, who does not love seeing huge numbers going up and seeing gold cash flying throughout the display screen? However I simply needed to play some scrub poker and really feel the fun of going all-in with 5 grand on three of a form. I began spending $2 million per spin, but it surely wasn’t lengthy earlier than I hit that particular prize wheel once more and this time I received $500,000,000. My quest to lose all of it had now netted me a half billion {dollars}.
Attempting to lose half a billion {dollars} netted me virtually $2 billion {dollars}.
Cursing my unbelievable luck, I give up. The subsequent day I logged again in, collected a number of hundred grand in quests and bonuses, opened all my card packs (together with the cardboard packs I obtained as a reward for opening card packs), and jumped into a brand new slot machine recreation. I set my wager at $10 million per spin, turned on a TV present with subtitles so I could not even look down at my Steam Deck more often than not, and turned off my mind.
I received a jackpot of $1,920,659,710. Attempting to lose half a billion {dollars} netted me virtually $2 billion {dollars}. Is that this why wealthy individuals all the time get richer? Are they simply dumbasses with good luck?
The subsequent day I attempted to lose a minimum of certainly one of my billions, and at one level I even put my Steam Deck down and went to the kitchen for a snack. Once I got here again the display screen confirmed me that I might received $21 million in a match. First query: there are slot machine tournaments? Second query: I used to be in a slot machine match? Third query: this is not a query, however if you wish to win a slot machine match simply wager $50 million {dollars} per spin and watch half an episode of Ace of Diamond on Crunchyroll.
My present steadiness is $2.6 billion. I have not performed poker in a few week. Because of this poker app, I could by no means play poker once more.
